Survivor Island, Just off the northbound turnpike past the old barn with the horse tied up to that tree where the lightning struck twelve years ago, you can’t miss it — The contestants of the most recent season of Survivor have taken a surprising tactic. Though set up as a generational conflict between Millennial contestants and contestants of the generation which destroyed the American economy, both “tribes” have actually found ways to work together. After weeks of being put through the traditional tortures, tests, and ritualized sacrifices, the contestants formed a single uber-tribe and attacked the nearby production camp. There they found a treasure trove of food, water, medicine, clothing, and other basics goods made by civilization.
The Production crew put up a brief, futile, fight before being bludgeoned to death with their own camera tripods and shoes. The Survivors then gorged themselves on candy bars and Chex Mix while the most honorable among them collected the scalps of their fallen enemies. Victory drums were made from the skin of necklace aficionado Jeff Probst and the recently-made up song of celebration was sung long into the night.
Executives from CBS expressed sadness for the loss of Mr. Probst and his production crew and swore vengeance against the Survivor Contestant tribe.
“We will avenge Mr. Probst. Even now the full fury of the CBS Cavalry is being assembled. We will take back Survivor Island and these Contestants will face the righteous fury of our canons. We will take their sacred Black Hills and we will carve the face of Les Moonves on their mountains! Manifest Programming Destiny!”