President Business Fires FBI Director Bad Cop; “He’s a Real Nut Job.”

BRICKSBURG — Lord Business, President of Octan Corp. (DOW: OCT) and the World recently dismissed FBI director and head of security Bad Cop following Bad Cop’s apparent investigation into Business’s TAKOS (the ‘S’ is silent) Tuesday plan.

“He was a real nut job,” Business told TMS, assuring the citizens of Bricksburg that there is no need to investigate further into TAKOS Tuesday or to look up.

“Just act perfectly normal and hold still,” said Business.

The dismissal comes just 8½ year after Lord Business’s Octan Corp. funded an expedition to recover the Kragle, a relic of almost unlimited power. Whether or not the relic was found remains undisclosed although the expedition was suddenly called off and funding ceased.

Since President Business was unwilling to disclose all his business dealings following his election, the FBI was unable to ascertain whether Octan had the Kragle or what it would be used for. Bad Cop’s investigation was into an alleged link between the Kragle and TAKOS Tuesday.

It seems President Business has called Bad Cop’s loyalty into question, despite his years of service, including the mass detainment of hundreds of Master Builders, which Business blamed for spreading chaos by mixing elements, and 


the construction of the Big, Beautiful Walls that separate the realms. Still, what Bad Cop must know about Octan and the Kragle must have been enough to prompt his sudden and unexpected dismissal.

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Trump Destroys Political Correctness By Wishing Everyone A Happy Wookiee Life Day

New York, New York, New York — Savior of the human race and beautiful pasty Adonis Donald Trump once again defended the First Amendment of the Articles of the Confederation by growling “Happy Wookiee Life Day”in its original Wookiese to a crowd of supporters who would have never been offended by it in the first place.

“Liberals don’t even want to acknowledge that the Star Wars Holiday Special even exists,” he told the rippling throngs of exceptionally high BMIs. “To that all I have to say is ‘REEEAAARGH! GRARGLE! GLLLUUUURRRG!’– Excuse me, I mean, ‘Happy Wookiee Life Day!'”

The crowd celebrated by joyously discharging their handguns into the ceiling of the event center, injuring 12, as is their right as Americans.

Here is the video courtesy of YouTube:

Violence Erupts At Trump Rally When Overexcited Supporters Start Punching Each Other In The Face

AMBRIDGE, PA– More trump rally violence as overexcited supporters began punching each other in the face. <Br>

Best Trump rally yet!

“Sometimes, I just punch stuff in the face when I get all riled up,” said Dwight Hoakum, a beet farmer by day and vigilante beet farm protector by night. “Good thing none of my friends or relation have any teeth, anyway.”
Witnesses and participants confirmed that the incident began after Trump gave a particularly “awesome” speech. Supporters became elated with the candidates words and started throwing punches.

May be too graphic for some readers.

“He gave a lot of vague non-answers and avoided most of the issues, but at the end he promised to Make America Great again,” recounted Nel Clark, a semi-retired lunch lady with an affinity for cat sweaters. “When it was over, I was so excited that I hailed off and punched my husband right in the back of the neck. Don’t believe I hit him that hard since that time I caught him with my cousin.”

Violence Erupts At Trump Rally After Millennials Wander In Looking For Pokémon 

Sandown, NH– More violence erupted at another Donald Trump rally when supporters began harassing a group of three Millennials who wandered in playing Pokémon GO. 

<Br>

Great Moments In Trump Rally Violence

“We were looking for some rare Pokémons across the street,” explained Draydon Murphy, one of the twenty somethings wearing flannel ironically, “but when Mr. Trump’s started speaking, Snorlaxes suddenly began appearing over here.”
“We saw them walk in with their smart phones and skinny jeans and we knew they had ideals separate from our own,” said Asa Jenkins, a Trump supporter and tri-county arm wrestling champion. “So we told them they needed to get out or we’d punch them in their ironic eyewear.”

When the group refused to leave, the attendees began calling them entitled hippies, shoving them and threatening to take their phones. 

Actually, its just a mosh pit. But you couldn’t tell at first, could you?

“We got terrorists committing acts of violence against us in this country on nearly a daily basis” adds Jenkins, “and these kids with their backpacks and their environmentally responsible shoes wander in here, not being like us, it just makes you sick. So we had to show them we don’t stand for those things by intimidating and assaulting them.”

Meanwhile, the three have learned their lesson. “I’ll definitely be more careful in the future. I don’t want to accidentally end up in another Trump rally,” said Murphy. “Unless it’s a really great gym.”

​Treebeard Calls Emergency Entmoot Session To Prevent Shutdown Of Fangorn Forest

Fangorn Forest, Middle-Earth—Entmoot majority leader and speaker Treebeard called an emergency Entmoot Session to prevent the shutdown of Fangorn Forest following continued opposition from Walnut, Hazelnut, and Chestnut Ents who accuse Treebeard of being fiscally irresponsible during the reclamation of Isengard.

McBranchFace is unattractive, even among Ents.

Walnut minority leader, Branchy McBranchFace, claims Treebeard, who inherited a deep recession during the reign of Saruman, has spent too many of Fangorn’s scant resources into rebuilding Isengard, allowed too many undocumented Huorn tree spirits into the Forest, and cut too deeply into defense spending when the power vacuum left by Sauron’s defeat could give rise to a new power to threaten Middle-Earth.
“These… claims… are… unfounded.” Treebeard responded, eventually. “You… can’t… trust… these… guys… they’re… nuts.”

This is Treebeard, right?

Together, with fellow Ent representatives Douglas Fir, Elmer Beechum, and Groot, Treebeard hopes to keep Fangorn operating, even if it means deep concessions, perhaps from the concession stand. 
“It… takes… a… long… time…”

Whatever Treebeard, we stopped listening.

Another Ent.


In depth analysis reveals that Treebeard spent less on the reclamation of Isengard than the entire fiscal budget of Mirkwood for that same year, all while keeping the tax rate the same and creating thousands of jobs for displaced Huorns. Additionally, in the 6000 years since the fall of Barad-dur, the “power vacuum” has remained that, as Mordor sits empty, its property value nearly nonexistent, most business boarded up, and the remaining Orcs seeking employment elsewhere. Despite these demonstrable facts, McBranchFace is adamant that Fangorn cannot continue operating under its current budget and Treebeard needs to be held responsible.


“It’s safe to say Treebeard has let the Ents down, not just in Fangorn but in all of Middle-Earth,” groaned McBranchFace. “Saruman was an entrepreneur that Treebeard sought to oppress with restrictive regulations and eventually overthrow. Now under his reign, we are worse off than under the powers of Mordor.”


The Special Session Entmoot will begin next Monday, opening remarks should last 5 years, and continue for another 20 years before their next session is scheduled.

With Fall Season, Satire Sites Add Pumpkin Spice To All Their Headlines

With the onset of the Autumn season, we see many changes– the turning of the leaves, the raising of the thermostat, retailers’ Christmas displays– but perhaps no change is more anticipated than the inevitable return of Pumpkin Spice everything.

No one really knows who first thought to make everything taste like a pumpkin pie from September thru January and we’re not sure anyone cares, but as with all cultural trends, satire sites are quick to make light of it.  So as you swig your pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks, you can bet you’ll be reading an article from The Onion or Cracked Dot Com about how hilarious that Basic White Girls like pumpkin spice. And chances are, it won’t be that funny.

Where Do the Turtles Go From here?

A week after it opened, 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was deemed a success and given a sequel, which opened last week, taking the top of the weekend’s box office. Having recovered from the previous movie’s many shortcomings, we can’t help but wonder, What’s next for the Turtles? With their gallery of rogues quickly expanding and a deep backlog of baddies from years of comics and cartoons, there’s no shortage of storylines to explore.

 

*SPOILERS AHEAD!  Proceed with CAUTION!!!*

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