What happens when 4 women who speak their minds all live together in a retirement community in Florida during the 90s? Tv history is made! Continue reading
New York, New York, New York — Savior of the human race and beautiful pasty Adonis Donald Trump once again defended the First Amendment of the Articles of the Confederation by growling “Happy Wookiee Life Day”in its original Wookiese to a crowd of supporters who would have never been offended by it in the first place.
“Liberals don’t even want to acknowledge that the Star Wars Holiday Special even exists,” he told the rippling throngs of exceptionally high BMIs. “To that all I have to say is ‘REEEAAARGH! GRARGLE! GLLLUUUURRRG!’– Excuse me, I mean, ‘Happy Wookiee Life Day!'”
The crowd celebrated by joyously discharging their handguns into the ceiling of the event center, injuring 12, as is their right as Americans.
Here is the video courtesy of YouTube:
“The system is rigged!” Trump declared.
AMBRIDGE, PA– More trump rally violence as overexcited supporters began punching each other in the face. <Br>
“Sometimes, I just punch stuff in the face when I get all riled up,” said Dwight Hoakum, a beet farmer by day and vigilante beet farm protector by night. “Good thing none of my friends or relation have any teeth, anyway.”
Witnesses and participants confirmed that the incident began after Trump gave a particularly “awesome” speech. Supporters became elated with the candidates words and started throwing punches.
“He gave a lot of vague non-answers and avoided most of the issues, but at the end he promised to Make America Great again,” recounted Nel Clark, a semi-retired lunch lady with an affinity for cat sweaters. “When it was over, I was so excited that I hailed off and punched my husband right in the back of the neck. Don’t believe I hit him that hard since that time I caught him with my cousin.”
Sandown, NH– More violence erupted at another Donald Trump rally when supporters began harassing a group of three Millennials who wandered in playing Pokémon GO.
“We were looking for some rare Pokémons across the street,” explained Draydon Murphy, one of the twenty somethings wearing flannel ironically, “but when Mr. Trump’s started speaking, Snorlaxes suddenly began appearing over here.”
“We saw them walk in with their smart phones and skinny jeans and we knew they had ideals separate from our own,” said Asa Jenkins, a Trump supporter and tri-county arm wrestling champion. “So we told them they needed to get out or we’d punch them in their ironic eyewear.”
When the group refused to leave, the attendees began calling them entitled hippies, shoving them and threatening to take their phones.“We got terrorists committing acts of violence against us in this country on nearly a daily basis” adds Jenkins, “and these kids with their backpacks and their environmentally responsible shoes wander in here, not being like us, it just makes you sick. So we had to show them we don’t stand for those things by intimidating and assaulting them.”
Meanwhile, the three have learned their lesson. “I’ll definitely be more careful in the future. I don’t want to accidentally end up in another Trump rally,” said Murphy. “Unless it’s a really great gym.”
Fangorn Forest, Middle-Earth—Entmoot majority leader and speaker Treebeard called an emergency Entmoot Session to prevent the shutdown of Fangorn Forest following continued opposition from Walnut, Hazelnut, and Chestnut Ents who accuse Treebeard of being fiscally irresponsible during the reclamation of Isengard.
Walnut minority leader, Branchy McBranchFace, claims Treebeard, who inherited a deep recession during the reign of Saruman, has spent too many of Fangorn’s scant resources into rebuilding Isengard, allowed too many undocumented Huorn tree spirits into the Forest, and cut too deeply into defense spending when the power vacuum left by Sauron’s defeat could give rise to a new power to threaten Middle-Earth.
“These… claims… are… unfounded.” Treebeard responded, eventually. “You… can’t… trust… these… guys… they’re… nuts.”
Together, with fellow Ent representatives Douglas Fir, Elmer Beechum, and Groot, Treebeard hopes to keep Fangorn operating, even if it means deep concessions, perhaps from the concession stand.
“It… takes… a… long… time…”
Whatever Treebeard, we stopped listening.
In depth analysis reveals that Treebeard spent less on the reclamation of Isengard than the entire fiscal budget of Mirkwood for that same year, all while keeping the tax rate the same and creating thousands of jobs for displaced Huorns. Additionally, in the 6000 years since the fall of Barad-dur, the “power vacuum” has remained that, as Mordor sits empty, its property value nearly nonexistent, most business boarded up, and the remaining Orcs seeking employment elsewhere. Despite these demonstrable facts, McBranchFace is adamant that Fangorn cannot continue operating under its current budget and Treebeard needs to be held responsible.
“It’s safe to say Treebeard has let the Ents down, not just in Fangorn but in all of Middle-Earth,” groaned McBranchFace. “Saruman was an entrepreneur that Treebeard sought to oppress with restrictive regulations and eventually overthrow. Now under his reign, we are worse off than under the powers of Mordor.”
With the onset of the Autumn season, we see many changes– the turning of the leaves, the raising of the thermostat, retailers’ Christmas displays– but perhaps no change is more anticipated than the inevitable return of Pumpkin Spice everything.
No one really knows who first thought to make everything taste like a pumpkin pie from September thru January and we’re not sure anyone cares, but as with all cultural trends, satire sites are quick to make light of it. So as you swig your pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks, you can bet you’ll be reading an article from The Onion or Cracked Dot Com about how hilarious that Basic White Girls like pumpkin spice. And chances are, it won’t be that funny.
A week after it opened, 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was deemed a success and given a sequel, which opened last week, taking the top of the weekend’s box office. Having recovered from the previous movie’s many shortcomings, we can’t help but wonder, What’s next for the Turtles? With their gallery of rogues quickly expanding and a deep backlog of baddies from years of comics and cartoons, there’s no shortage of storylines to explore.
*SPOILERS AHEAD! Proceed with CAUTION!!!*
Hollywood, Mars – As principal photography began on Steven Spielberg’s latest nostalgia driven cash grab/passion project, Indiana Jone5 and the Hunt for More Money, action star and historical artifact Harrison Ford was apparently killed performing a dangerous stunt for the film.