New Cell Phone Battery Powered By Bad Decisions Could Last Forever

LG, the nation’s leading technology company, which is in no way paying us to write this article, has developed a new cell phone battery that could eliminate the need for cumbersome and restrictive charger cords. 

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Science: “The Moon Is Massive Space Diamond!”

Researchers at the Lunar Analysis Bureau (LAB) released a study this week compiled from nearly five decades of Moon research and at least one captive moon man, the conclusion of which has the scientific community stunned.

“The moon is not flat, as we have until now supposed,” reported Alan “Buzz” Whitmore, one of the authors of the study and director at LAB. “Instead, it’s a massive space diamond left from the harvest of gas from a planetoid, left here by aliens. Over eons, space dust has collected over the diamond due to gravity, giving us the moon as we know it today.”

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Cross section of the moon with a gorgeous princess cut.

We already know that most gas giant planets are comprise of valuable gases that we yet do not posses the technology to harvest, and that their cores are crystalline carbon, compressed over millions of years by gravity into precious, and “yuge” diamonds.  Millions of years ago, aliens harvested the gas from such a planet and left the diamond core in our solar system where it eventually became a satellite of our earth. Why it was left here remains speculation (LAB suspects space pirates), but time and gravity gave the diamond a thick crust of space dust for Neil Armstrong to muck about on.

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Gas mining is yet to be a good idea.

After the results of the study were released, the White House was quick to respond, saying in a statement, “…because the moon is a territory of the United States, we retain all mineral rights to the riches beneath, even at the expense of indigenous peoples and the mighty Moon Worm.”

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El Niño Could Produce Record Sharknados

The petty and vengeful weather system called El Niño has returned to curse this land with unseasonably warm weather and a tragic lack of Christmas snow, but it looks as though the worst is yet to come. According to severe weather enthusiast and meteorologist Reed Timmer, El Niño is likely to produce record sharknados.

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Top List of ‘Radicals’ Chris Christie Promises to Deport

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Under the new Christie law, study of radical equations is punishable by exile.

Chris Christie, current New Jersey Governor and GOP Presidential Candidate with no chance of beating insane front-runner Donald Trump, has announced a new policy that takes a firm stance against radicalism in all forms.  His new policy calls for the immediate deportation from America of all individuals or groups with any indications of radical beliefs.  Topping the list of groups Christie singled out during the announcement was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Continue reading

WHO Links Being Alive to Cancer; Recommends Avoiding Whenever Possible

Following a controversial and devastating study linking just about everything you could possibly want to eat to Cancer, The World Health Organization (NASDAQ, WHO -.38) has released a follow up study, one sure to attract its own share of controversy. 

“It seems that everyone who has ever had cancer, was, at some point, alive,” said Helmut Dierklemmut, some German guy whose name sounds made up, but is most assuredly a member of the World Health Organization.  “This created an inexorable link between the two, a link we couldn’t ignore.”

“It was really shocking,” said Kim Cho, a doctor who participated in the study and is both Korean and a girl.  “Regardless of diet, exercise, or lifestyle, the one thing all patients had in common was that they were alive.”

While they haven’t pinpointed the exact link, their consensus is that they are directly and recommend avoiding being alive whenever possible.

“We realize it can be difficult in today’s busy, hectic world,” says Cho, “but if you can slow down and maybe take 10-15 min a day to not be alive, it could save your life.”

Earth Too Dusty, NASA Study Asserts

The Earth is becoming too dusty, according to a NASA study, and the new dust being made daily has nowhere to go. 

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"When was the last time you even cleaned?"

Since most dust is made of dead skin, NASA scientists theorized that new dust was being added to the ecosystem daily for thousands of years.  Add to that the amount of furniture made from wood over the course of history, and the results are staggering. 

“When people dust their homes or even vacuum,” says Dustin Wentz, one of the NASA scientists who authored the study, “they’re just moving dust from one place to another; they aren’t resolving the problem.  So all the dust created since the beginning of time is still covering the Earth.”

In addition to all the dust, advances in wind energy are contributing to the problem.  “Those giant fans are just blowing the stuff around,” adds Wentz.

With the entire globe in danger of a global Dust Bowl, science has once again provided the solution to an inevitable global environmental catastrophe:  Send a giant vacuum into space to clean the dust.

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Artist's rendition of NASA's proposal.

“After she’s done vacuuming, she empties that bag into the sun, effectively destroying the excess dust,” Wentz explains of NASA’s proposal.  “We intend to tip her generously.”

NRA Study: Guns Effective at Stopping Researchers from Conducting Gun Violence Studies

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Lead Researcher Victor Mankini presents his findings. And his gun.

OGUNQUIT, ME — “Researchers” at the National Rifle Association have recently published a study on the efficacy of guns.  Not surprisingly, the results were positive for the lobbying arm of gun manufacturers that is the NRA.  Many stupid liberals have already decried the results as pandering nonsense and plan a completely ineffectual protest, calling for people to wear beetle-shaped hair pins in their hair at Starbuckses nation-wide.  Nobody knows what this is expected to accomplish. Continue reading

The TMS Effect: Scott Walker Drops Out of GOP Presidential Race

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker speaks to the Illinois Chamber of Commerce Tuesday, April 17, 2012 in Springfield, Ill. Walker says he's using Illinois and its many problems as an argument for keeping him in office. The first-term Republican faces a recall election in June primarily because he restricted union bargaining rights for state employees.  (AP Photo/Seth Perlman)

Despite excellent fear-mongering hands, Scott Walker has dropped out of the GOP race.

TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO — Scott Walker, former front-runner for GOP President* and current Green Bay Packers fan (one assumes), dropped out of the race on Monday.  Sources close to the Wisconsin governor are citing TMS as the leading cause of Walker’s decision to drop out.  In particular they point to an in-depth expose that TMS would have published next week and which would have had inescapable repercussions for the candidate. Continue reading

The Real Danger of Climate Change

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This is probably Al Gore. Nobody's really seen him in a while.

Former Vice President and international sex symbol Al Gore leads a quiet life out of the spotlight, making a living as a Tennessee mountain man, wrestling bears, eating poisonous berries, and making hats out of raccoons; except when he’s in the spotlight, screaming ranting about climate change.

“I have made climate change an important platform because I truly believe the impact of man’s irresponsible stewardship of natural resources could prove catastrophic,” he said from his Tennessee mountain home, a rustic cabin he built from trees he ripped out of the ground and gnawed to length.  “But the danger, I believe, extends beyond the environment.  We are already seeing extreme weather patterns and rising temperatures, but as the polar ice caps continue to melt, a greater, more immediate threat could arise, a threat I had prayed I’d never see again in my lifetime.”

Apart from his eloquence, Gore looks and sounds essentially like an extra from Duck Dynasty, but unlike Duck Dynasty, he isn’t acting like a lunatic for truckloads of money.  He’s doing it for free, and for a good cause. 

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Young Al Gore defends his preschool.

What many people don’t know is that in 1958, when Gore was only 10, an asteroid landed outside his quiet hometown.  Unbeknownst to the townsfolk, for they had no way of beknownsting it, the asteroid carried inside it an amorphous alien life form they would later dub “The Blob”, an insensitive moniker betraying the town’s prejudice given the time and place in which these events occurred.  But, thanks to the heroic efforts of actor Steve McQueen and teenagers with fire extinguishers, The Blob was stopped, and its frozen form taken to the north pole where it would remain, in suspended animation, as Steve McQueen’s warned us more than 50 yrs ago, “as long as the arctic stays cold.”

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Either that's the Blob or King Kong got his sac stuck in the door again.

“Those words have haunted me to this day,” Gore explained of his strong environmental platform.  “What I– we– survived that night was horrific.  We lost friends, neighbors… Landscaping.  Ten years old, I swore that thing could never get free again.”

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A townsfolk discharges a fire extinguisher.

50 years later and Gore’s struggle becomes more and more uphill.  Conservatives have convinced the public that the Blob is a left-wing fabrication intended to hinder corporations.  But Gore beknownst better.  “It’s all to real,” he warns.  “And it cannot be stopped!”

Was This Episode of ‘Quantum Leap’ Banned by NBC Because it Predicts the Apocalypse?

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What secrets is Quantum Leap hiding?

Quantum Leap ran for five seasons in the 1990s on NBC, but recently a “lost” episode has been discovered that seems to accurately predict many things about our current days- and possibly the coming Apocalypse.  Many people are asking if NBC blocked the airing of this episode because of how disturbing it and its implications were. Continue reading