Pokemon GO: Campaign 2016 Edition Launched

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​Treebeard Calls Emergency Entmoot Session To Prevent Shutdown Of Fangorn Forest

Fangorn Forest, Middle-Earth—Entmoot majority leader and speaker Treebeard called an emergency Entmoot Session to prevent the shutdown of Fangorn Forest following continued opposition from Walnut, Hazelnut, and Chestnut Ents who accuse Treebeard of being fiscally irresponsible during the reclamation of Isengard.

McBranchFace is unattractive, even among Ents.

Walnut minority leader, Branchy McBranchFace, claims Treebeard, who inherited a deep recession during the reign of Saruman, has spent too many of Fangorn’s scant resources into rebuilding Isengard, allowed too many undocumented Huorn tree spirits into the Forest, and cut too deeply into defense spending when the power vacuum left by Sauron’s defeat could give rise to a new power to threaten Middle-Earth.
“These… claims… are… unfounded.” Treebeard responded, eventually. “You… can’t… trust… these… guys… they’re… nuts.”

This is Treebeard, right?

Together, with fellow Ent representatives Douglas Fir, Elmer Beechum, and Groot, Treebeard hopes to keep Fangorn operating, even if it means deep concessions, perhaps from the concession stand. 
“It… takes… a… long… time…”

Whatever Treebeard, we stopped listening.

Another Ent.


In depth analysis reveals that Treebeard spent less on the reclamation of Isengard than the entire fiscal budget of Mirkwood for that same year, all while keeping the tax rate the same and creating thousands of jobs for displaced Huorns. Additionally, in the 6000 years since the fall of Barad-dur, the “power vacuum” has remained that, as Mordor sits empty, its property value nearly nonexistent, most business boarded up, and the remaining Orcs seeking employment elsewhere. Despite these demonstrable facts, McBranchFace is adamant that Fangorn cannot continue operating under its current budget and Treebeard needs to be held responsible.


“It’s safe to say Treebeard has let the Ents down, not just in Fangorn but in all of Middle-Earth,” groaned McBranchFace. “Saruman was an entrepreneur that Treebeard sought to oppress with restrictive regulations and eventually overthrow. Now under his reign, we are worse off than under the powers of Mordor.”


The Special Session Entmoot will begin next Monday, opening remarks should last 5 years, and continue for another 20 years before their next session is scheduled.

Sasquatch Dropped As Jack Links Spokescreature

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Following an FBI probe that uncovered hundreds of illicit images of underage Yetis, Jack Links, makers of finely crafted, perfectly seasoned dried meat products, have dropped Sasquatch as their spokescreature, content to leave him to spiral down in his own ugly vortex of bad decisions, public embarrassment, and self-destructive behavior.  Continue reading

NE Gov Pete Ricketts Promises To Execute Designer Of New State Plates

In response to the social media backlash against the hideous and unimaginative new license plates for the state of Nebraska, Gov. Pete “Daddy Warbucks” Ricketts has promised to execute the designer responsible.

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Pete Ricketts could not be less interested in what you have to say.

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Cardboard Cutout of Eli Manning Appears Unemotional At Peyton’s Retirement

The internet lit up in the days following the Super Bowl this year as Peyton Manning’s less talented but more attractive brother looked on listlessly as Peyton and the Denver Broncos bent the Carolina Panthers over their knee and gave them a good, old-fashioned NFL spanking.
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Nom-In-Ate! Daleks Give Up Plans For Earth Conquest Forever!

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If you know what these are, your headline reading and comprehension skills are indeed great.

In the many years since the Great Time War, the Daleks have on multiple occasions attempted to conquer earth and destroy the human race in their mad quest to exterminate all lesser beings in the universe but were each time defeated. Now, the Daleks have made a new proclamation, pledging to never again bother the earth or its inferior inhabitants. Continue reading

New Cell Phone Battery Powered By Bad Decisions Could Last Forever

LG, the nation’s leading technology company, which is in no way paying us to write this article, has developed a new cell phone battery that could eliminate the need for cumbersome and restrictive charger cords. 

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Scientists Blame Warm Winter Entirely On Trump Campaign

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As President, Mr. Trump will seek to abolish wind.

It would be easy to blame this winter’s unseasonably mild temperatures on El Niño, the enigmatic weather pattern caused by warm Pacific Ocean currents that manifests around Christmas as a slushy suckfest, or on Obama’s deliberate raising of the earth’s temperature to accommodate our eminent Bee overlords, but leading climatologists, meteorologists, and unattractive weathermen agree; It’s all on Trump 2016.

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Dr. Ben Carson Releases New Memoir

Amid ongoing scrutiny surrounding the factuality of his first memoir, Gifted Hands, Dr. Ben Carson is releasing his second memoir, Second Black President.

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"I'd hit that."

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